Since I probably won’t be writing anymore anytime soon, thought I’d give the raging storm inside my head a try for now.
Yesterday, I was blushing. Yeah, I’m not about to tell you exactly why, but I was. At least I thought I was and it got me as unusual since I don’t easily blush. In fact, I barely blush at all because blushing is healthy and by now I am not exactly properly nutritioned.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, blushing. So I continued to blush.
For like an hour. Before my mom came to me and told me I had fever and shut my laptop up so I could rest.
And it got me. Don’t you sometimes have that…that feeling? the feeling that you’re so happy that it’ll disappear anytime and you’re actually afraid?
It’s not happiness. It’s merely the illusion of happiness coupled with the fear of your subconcious who’s afraid that you’d find out how it’s tricking you to be happy when you’re not.
Nothing in this world makes sense, you know. But at times like those, for example, that september night or rather morning, when someone indirectly said they missed me, I realize I don’t want it to make sense. It’s precious as is. Beautiful. Captivating.
I’m not the insecure type. I know my abilities and I know where I lack. I also know that the people who like me probably have a good reason and those who don’t, have one too. But at times, I just want to be someone’s first priority.
A bestfriend. A brother. I don’t know whom.
But all I know is that I’ve never been one. I don’t know how it feels like to wake up in the morning to a friend’s text or to have someone tell me to eat because I don’t (except my mom, duh) or one person to call at 4 am in the morning because I’m upset and broken.
I’d really like to be that person. And once someone asked me what if love isn’t what we expect it to be? The answer is you can’t live your life in fear. You can’t deny something just because you are scared it won’t be what you expected it to be.
This is one chance. Not you and me, I know for a fact that ‘nothing good’ is definitely the right term to describe us. But I just want you all to know that if you ever come across a person who loves you, be it a friend or someone else, don’t deny the love or run away from it because you’re afraid. This thing, if it exists at all, if it isn’t mere familiarity, is worth every fear you’ve had.
Am I afraid of the sparks? Nope. As far as I can remember, I haven’t had any. Probably never will. Maybe a bit. Maybe not. Let the weight of it lie on one word : maybe.
Someone really close once told me ‘I am a sadist. I like the pain’ and I haven’t been able to get this statement out of my mind. Pain. As I’ve read it demands to be felt. It makes us feel alive.
So I’m not scared of the pain or the love. I am going to take life as it comes and enjoy both. Yes, enjoy. Because I’d rather take a risk of falling down than never jumping at all and missing a chance to fly.